bluerose99

bluerose99 @ 2006-07-16T16:34:00

2006-07-16T20:34:11Z

Turned 30 today. Thanks to everyone for helping me celebrate.

bluerose99 @ 2006-07-12T01:22:00

2006-07-12T05:22:33Z

Still waiting. Growl. I love being a freak of nature. Plus note 3 days until 30.

bluerose99 @ 2006-06-15T22:00:00

2006-06-16T02:15:22Z

Single again. At least he called. He said its intimacy issues. He's 22, gave me the lets be friends routine. Told me he likes hanging out and watching movies with me. He told me he is stilla kid and he feels badly that i didn't get much of a childhood. OUCH. The kid thinks i got robbed of a childhood that hurts.

kalev

2006-06-11T01:39:58Z

Anyone going to toronto? Kalev was asking for naked dancing women and liquor. He's in the step down unit and hopefully in a couple of days will be moved to the 7th floor at TO General. Amazing to hear his voice.

bluerose99 @ 2006-06-10T17:35:00

2006-06-10T21:37:23Z

Kalev continues to improve and set records for Toronto General. His nurse said he even ate today. He has been moved to the step down unit which is one level below ICU in severeity. less than 24 hours after a transplant she said it was almost unheard of. HUGS and CHEERS to old friends.

Good News

2006-06-10T02:43:35Z

Kalev got his lung transplant 2day and so far is doing amazing even up talking. He's not out of the woods yet but i think he can see through the trees at least. HUGS!!!!!

cotemplation

2006-06-08T03:45:08Z

Just thinking on all of the little things....you know like alternative endings for movies. Apparently the brain took a holiday.....hope it comes back soon. I miss it

bluerose99 @ 2006-01-12T23:24:00

2006-01-13T04:31:08Z

OK so rick leaves to messages today asking to call him???? Second one with his phone number in case i forgot it i suppose. Called him back a couple of hours later and he had nothing to say. So I asked how his darts went. Couldn't say what i was thinking because i was at work. He told me he was going to Amanda's. Have no clue who that is, don't really want to know. Told him I'd be back in town around 11pm he could call if he was bored. We need to talk and clear the air. No call yet but not exactly expecting the phone to ring. Maybe this is his way of showing we're still friends?????? Anyone have a user's manual for the male of the species?

My fridge died so gotta throw out all my food but i did question fate the other day and demand the week to get better. GRRRRRR!!!!!

Plus note is Des may be coming home. AWE!!!!!!

bluerose99 @ 2006-01-11T15:43:00

2006-01-11T20:43:34Z

i need a hug.

bluerose99 @ 2006-01-11T01:46:00

2006-01-11T06:50:15Z

ok so i got an email from rick today so i guess he's not totally avoiding me....but he wants a massage. Took today off needed to. to much all at once. Never ask what else can go wrong or u find out. My bank decided not to clear my rent check even though there was 1400.00 in the account grrr!!!! Yelled at them for awhile but didn't make me feel much better. At least the week has to get better.

bluerose99 @ 2006-01-10T01:13:00

2006-01-10T06:29:29Z

So my ex brother in law has taking to hitting Janice this week. One ididot friend told me she doesn't see why I'm upset about this. My secretary bit my head off for refering to Jan as my sister-in-law. Same friend told my I need to stop refering to the kids as my nephews b/c i'm no longer with the whore even though they still call me aunty. Jan told me about her reaction to meeting Kim on xmas day....aka stuarts whore he was fucking behind my back. And of course who his family with the exception of his brother is unwilling so far to accept her. Mostly b/c he lied about her and told everyone that i was making up the fact that he was cheating....and pretty much dragged me thru the mud. Turns out low and behold hey its the same girl, same name, and has the same job and position as what i said...akak they know stuart's a lying sack of shit. Shannon things I should feel bad for this gilr. and i should at least feel bad for calling Kim the night I found out for sure and asking if i needed an AIDS test. Absorbing everything, I get a call to tell me sara has chosen stuart as the new drummer for her band and that she is getting quite close to kim. And nobody seems to understand why I take this news hard. The fact that one of my closest friends has been ignoring me and avoiding me for the past few weeks and is now hanging around the with whore and his slut, doesn't compute. And she can't understand why I'm not happy for her. So how much worse can the next few days get? I mean I already feel like a whore thanks to Rick. I feel like shit thanks to shannon. And I've spent the past few weeks trying to figure out if I had offended sara, and worrying about only to find out she's patched things up with my ex and wants to talk to me about it and the good times she's having with his fuck toy.

???

2006-01-09T05:28:41Z

So once again around the mulberry bush. Obviously still no word from Rick...that hurts. I guess I'll have to get someone else to hang my dart board. Putting more effort into looking like a girl....to help with the self esteme. Got hit on a lotbut now I think I'm even more gun shy. I'm so full of anger that i scare myself lately...its like self medicating is the best thing. Not angry at Rick. Angry at stuart, myself, my upbringing, Robby and John. If I had a steam roller i would take a trip out to the east coast. That shit from ur childhood sticks with you. I just don't feel worthy of being loved. And my overall trust feels betrayed.

bluerose99 @ 2006-01-07T05:49:00

2006-01-07T11:01:06Z

Wow what a difference a week makes! So Rick is no longer talking to me. Cheryl and I went by to say goodbye to ponder who is moving to singapore tomorrow as his email said to do. Rick was there. Haven't heard from him since Jan1/06 when he said he'd call me later. I'm fairly certain he's just been ignoring me. We walk in and ponder said he'd meet us at the bar. Which he did. Cheryl swore Rick's eyes lit up when he saw me. I was very well behaved at the bar even though I had a multitude of offers; because I like him as a friend and more than a friend. Ponder showed Rick did not. He went to another bar with other people. Can't blame ponder for keeping things mum but he said at least u have me on msn to keep in touch with. And that this thing with Rick just wasn't gonna happen. Disappointment snuck in and i picked up 3 or 4 guys but still couldn't act on it. I was hoping Rick would show to cheryl's. Really hurt really disappointed saying as he was worried about me not being able to handle our friendship. I wish I could just erase New Years night.....the way wake from a bad dream. He promised he'd never intentionally hurt me but he is right now. I took a cab back to my car as soon as i was able to to get home tonight. Found myself feeling lower than i have in a long, long time. I left him a message at 3am (only fair since he's known to call me at that hour) to say i know he's been avoiding me all week and that I miss my friend, but I will leave him alone until he's ready. I hurt. I let him close...never get close u only get hurt in the end. Pretty much everyone except for maybe des has hurt me when i let them in. I need my wall back its safer.

bluerose99 @ 2006-01-03T01:03:00

2006-01-03T06:07:42Z

I find myself taking comfort in the fact that I now look way better then the adultering bastard aka stu. And that I know i look better than the girl everyone described to me right after the break up. Odd how its still with me this need for his approval even though i would really like just to grab his jugular with one hand, kick him in the nuts while squeezing and with my free hand jabb him thru the heart with a hot poker like how it felt to me. strange what creeps thru ur head at night.

bluerose99 @ 2006-01-03T00:50:00

2006-01-03T05:53:02Z

Went TOY shopping today.....this one looks like fun. Oh and into photo booth with susan and 10yr tradition. She leaves tomorrow its been good to have her. Kel arrived in today.

Happy New Years

2006-01-02T07:48:12Z

Heres to a 2006 that has to be better than 2005!!!!!!!!! One hell of a nite. Too much drinking, pott, and just enuf E. Good friends through out the day and all nite but still felt like he was missing. Missing the shithead seemed so unacceptable....had to remind myself of what and how he did. Felt hurt to realize that my feelings are stronger than friendship for R.C.....and mildly turned on when i saw him kissing Jen. Memory is spotty for the night. I know we had a talk on the subject of us and sexuality. I know he left the room to go see jen, after tucking me in, but was only gone for less time than it took a single tear to fully roll down my cheek. I know we slept together and he was sweet......i'm sure we will both pull away from each other for a few days till all blows over.
so angry lately. hard not to say something rude to my mom at dinner....susan noticed how fake and condencending she was with me. 6months almost 7 and I'm only just hitting angry.....itching to let it out. Find myself wanting to hurt those that hurt me....woulda driven to the east coast just to run down Robby the other day. I don't like who i am when i am angry.

yay computers

2005-12-30T06:49:31Z

Who would have thought i'd be able to help someone out with computers....see there is hope for me

Doing this for Des

2005-12-30T05:45:23Z

OK
So i'm obviously not good at this but i did promiss to try again. Missing Des already. Had a good time in Winnepeg running away from xmas was the best possible solution i think. Spent 4 days absolutly plowed on milk and alcohol what more than that and goood friends does one need. Once again mom found a way to put her claws in over the holidays but what else is new...once a cocksucking bitch always a cocksucking bitch. Find myself feeling oddly about a situation with a male friend. I feel conflicted on the subject. We've fooled around quite a bit and had sex twice. He stays over and I sleep better than ever, and he actually sleeps. I feel an attachment I am not comfortable to. To a man who wants no commitment and if he did I'd be running away. But I feel odd maybe a bit of jealousy but relief that i don't have to call or do things. He's a grea t guy and I like him, but I want him as a friend rather than the risk of throwing 13 yrs of friendship away. I was feeling badly about sending mutually flirtatious letters back and forth to what turns out to be his scottish cousin.....very explicit on both ends, and we had just started calling. His cousin had emailed saying that if i was willing he'd be willing to do the long distance thing and I was sure where we had left it. Turns out both cousins are great kissers. And only one of them is honest. The one in Scotland I just found out has a girlfriend of a year.....his aunt found out on xmas and just mentioned it today. So no more semi-guilty feelings, and no more racy emails over seas for a while. Feel badly for locking lips and getting gushy over a guy witha girl. Hope she doesn't get angry. I guess attraction u can't control....seemed so sweet him calling from pearson international 2 times before boarding the plane back to scotland. Or how excited he was when I called the other day. But now I don't feel like such a sack of shit. Funny I was thinking the other day...a guy as nice as him i'm surprised he isn't taking. The fact that he told me he wasn't when we first started carrying on, makes me wonder who u should trust in. I think my odds in my uncomitted mutually satisfying friendship are better for not getting hurt. I know my options and what I'm facing its better than getting stomped on again.

Empty

2005-05-27T16:15:43Z

Idon't ever want to feel this bad again. Idon't know if i can trust in something again.

more confusion

2005-05-26T01:04:48Z

A week ago someone posed the question: "Aren't you afraid of what will happen when his band makes it big?"
I said "A little but I would never discourage him from what he loves to do"

The other day the question was asked to me the same way but with "because I hear them all over the radio now"
All I could say is "Well I think I already have my answer" and chose not to comment on it furthur.....now i cry every time i hear one of their songs.

bluerose99 @ 2005-05-25T07:12:00

2005-05-25T11:25:55Z

We are going to talk a bit tomorrow when he gets back from Armstrong....a little after 8pm after work. So many contradictions in the way he looks at me, what he says to me, how he says it, his body language and actions. I don't know how you can love someone so much and hurt like this. I was out to see his mom, and even she thinks he needs a bit of help. I've often ignored people when they tell me they think he may be depressed or as I am told by his mom, that his parents have long wondered(since start of teens)if he were suffering from bipolar....though they could never really quite identify the manic stage. I see the manic stage often but never thought to talk to him. People say to me now that they're confused by the way he is acting and its like he is on self-destruct....all I can say is try being on the receiving end. Even if there is no way to fix us, which I hope is not the case, as an act of love and concern I really need to try to point out how concerned those around him have been and maybe get him someone to talk to. I really hurt inside.

sadness

2005-05-24T05:13:26Z

It invades every corner of your being. But eventually will help you become the person you are....It just hurts like a son of bitch until you assimillate it.

bluerose99 @ 2005-05-22T20:45:00

2005-05-23T00:48:56Z

Ouch still so confused, but now the slow realization of just how much unrelated bagage needs to get sorted.....b/c i know it creeped inmore than i was aware. As far as I feel right now I just want to fix us...but know its not likely that he wants it and quite frankly i wouldn't want it if i were him.....unless u like a good rollercoaster.

bluerose99 @ 2005-05-22T15:12:00

2005-05-22T19:13:29Z

we finally talked. neither of us can picture being with some1 else, but we know we need our space.

let's try thi again

2005-05-22T16:25:29Z

I feel lost, hurt and confused. I never pictured a life outside of stu. He's been my best friend and family for so long i think part of my heart died on friday. I was so angry and upset with him the other week that i almost left; then i thought no i am going to find out what is going on and as long as its not worse case scenerio i'll fight for this. And a week later to be in constant tears b/c its done. No one person at fault, no one to blame, no way to make me hate him to make this easier. I wish this was just one of our yearly blow ups, with the week cool down but it feels different. And the deeper i look inside the more i realized how much i loved him, needed him, and adored him....and the more realize how little i like who i have become. I feel like i just need one of his magic hugs to fix things to make me safe again. Like staring in his deep blue eyes could take away all my hurt and physical pain. He was the one thing that made me feel like i was normal...like this disease i have had for so long was just a bad dream. I don't like what i see in me lately.